Yes...I know...been gone way too long. There have been a lot of changes since I last spoke. I've done some serious soul searching, mental and emotional rebuilding, and found confidence I didn't have before. Oh and my hair got longer, who would have thunk! I've had some serious heartbreak and major life adjustments. Even still, there are many days that it just exhausts me. I let that process happen and then try to pick myself up again the next day. Sometimes, it takes a week...even longer. But, I'm still here.
Remember this?
It was on this day last year that I was in surgery, had some rods put in, and we began the adventure to seek the next step. The plan is still for the DBS and still to be the first in Utah to receive it for epilepsy. I have my consultation on August 19th! I need a surgery date, or I'm going to have so much anxiety I won't know what to do with. In the meantime however, I've tried very hard to distract my mind.
There were a period of months that I was in therapy for everything that was going on and changing in my life. Now, my therapy has turned to working out. I hadn't put so much dedication into myself, wasn't even truly taking care of myself, and now I'm sticking with it and need it to stay sane. In the process I'm down 35 lbs. That's self love.
I'm reading books...holy shit I know! But Maria has insisted that I read to keep my mind off of things and to work out my brain. Alyssa is having me do cross word puzzles from the paper. First off, who the hell comes up with those?? And which generation are they directed to?? Reading is the better option for sure! I'm trying to relearn how to play the piano. However, working my brain the way I have, while trying to make improvements...it takes it's toll on me.
I've also been spending time with a lot of friends I had lost touch with. I've been able to see my dearest bestest friend Jess far more than I had in many years. Not to mention getting to be back to Aunt Gabby with the kiddos. She's always rooting for me and wants my happiness maybe even more than I do.
My best friend Erin who I've been able to see more in the last 6 months than I've been able to spend time with since probably college. She has a little princess too and now I have another honorary niece. We've been struggling through some of the same shit and it's been game changing to be able to understand that shit the way the other has.
Also, my best friend Nycole. We had not seen each other since I had to stop working 6 years ago. We reconnected and has been there for me as well and will give it to me like it is always looking out for me and tells me like it is...No bullshit.
My best friend Caylan, both inside and outside the hospital. She can understand the frustration, the struggle, and everything else that comes with epilepsy and has been for me. She's literally watched the process from last year. Even helped me deal with the life changes I've had to make.
I've reconnected with a friend from JUNIOR HIGH...Sheena. She was a good friend then and is a good friend now! We are a Thelma and Louise duo!
All of these friends, have saved me from the darkness I've had within, that I've been struggling with in the last year. And I can't even express the words of what my family has done for me. Literally, I would be sitting here all day expressing the gratitude and love I have for my family and it still wouldn't be enough.
It's a bitter sweet day. To look back at the things that have happened over the course of 365 days and be amazed how I managed to survive it. I haven't done so alone. Obviously, I have had the best kind of people in my life to help me get through. Truly. I have been able to visit family in Denver, Seattle, and Sitka that I never thought I would get to go do. I've begun to think more and more that things are not guided by fate, but by those who love you in this life and the next. Whatever happens, is all to happen for a reason.
I will give an update once August 19th rolls around.
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