I had this strange feeling. Like Nana needed to know that Joel and I would get married sooner than later. I bet you thought we were married huh? We're in this almost a decade, might as well be? So, I ordered this CZ ring that was very pretty. Nana let me try on her wedding ring a few times, I love that ring. It arrived. It was still very pretty. I did a video call to Nana and Aunt Maine. I told Nana that Joel and I were engaged. No he didn't ask. Nana was so happy for the news! I actually wish I would have kept her waiting.
I still was having 100+ absence seizures a day. So, I started to experiment with the CBD oils and I was smoking dope too. This wasn't my first time, but the way it worked with my brain was different now. My hope was that it would keep my absence seizures down. Which it did, when I was high. When I would come down, they escalated very quickly. Which meant, in order for my absence seizures to be maintained, I would have to be using herb all the time. That's not a cheap treatment and not good on the lungs I'm sure. I cared at that time.
February 2016, just before Valentine's Day, Joel gave me a real ring. With a real marry me someday. It was the kind of proposal that fit us. We had been together for this long that some giant gesture wasn't necessary. I was so excited though. We took it in to get sized for my bony finger. This lady brings out this perfectly matched band that they would be merged with my ring. I had to. Joel said, "So you just turned your ring into a wedding ring?" YUP!
I couldn't wait to tell the family and show them, especially Nana. Valentine's day, I get a call from my mom. Her and my dad were at Maine's. I thought they were just there visiting. Then I could hear it. The sniffles and the quiver in her voice. Then my dad got on the phone. I told him I wanted to say hi to Nana. He put the phone on speaker and I talked to her like I would any other call. I asked my dad if she said anything, I couldn't hear her. He got choked up and simply said no. I looked at Joel and just poured out tears. I told my mom I needed to call her back. Joel just held me.
She was still alive she had stopped eating and drinking and it was only a matter of days. I don't know how he understood what I was saying, I had tears mixed with snot. He told me I needed to go down there right now. I felt so bad because it was Valentine's, but I needed to be there.
My mom drove up to get me. The whole time waiting for her, I kept pacing back and forth saying,"I'm not ready for this, I can't do this." I said it over and over again. I wasn't going to be able to keep my shit together sober. I had to get very very very high. I did. That, plus my Xanax were keeping me at a numb level. One that kept me from breaking down on the floor as soon as I got there.
I just knelt by her. The tears were streaming but I was silent. Maine asked if I wanted to paint Nana's nails. I knew it was going to be the last time I would get to. I did something awful though as I was painting. Something I can't forgive myself for. I kept saying in my head, "Nana wake up! Open your eyes and look at me! Say something! Anything!" I was angry and I had no right to be. She was on morphine just to be comfortable while waiting for the right time to let go, and I was mad.
The next day, I called the Priest I had growing up. He was Nana's favorite too. He was kind of another member of the family. I left a message to call me back it was urgent. I knew Nana was going to need her last rights. I didn't want to accept that, but I was grown up now and wanted to be more helpful than a mess. I thought my dad would be mad, but when I got to Maine's he was looking up Father Andrew's number too. Maine asked if we would go find a dress for Nana. It was just motions. Asked to do something, go get it done. My mom, my cousin Georgia, and I found a Nana dress. On the way back Maine called that Nana's breathing was getting slower and deeper.
I called Father Andrew again, told him we needed her last rights, that she was just barely hanging on. He got there shortly after we had pulled in. He gave her last rights. Suddenly a room of silence turned into heavy crying all at once. Maine's hand had not left Nana's. Not even when I was painting her nails. Maine just switched hands when I was done with one of them.
Later, the current Priest at the church I grew up in arrived. He was going to give her last rights. He didn't know that she had already had them. But Nana is so special that she gets two last rights.We couldn't even cry this time we were cried out. My cousin Autumn hadn't been there earlier and was the only one crying. We explained to her after he left, that this was the second time. She was so relieved she thought the whole family was suddenly heartless.
I couldn't sleep. I had to take a sleeping pill just to get tired. Before I did that though, I looked out the window of my parents' room where I was staying. With all the strength I had left and all the love in my heart, I said in a whisper, "It's okay Nan, we'll be okay, you can let go now."
The next morning, I was looking out the window again when Justice came in the room crying. I knew, I honestly knew that night after I said it. I truly believed in something again, it was different but it was real. She gave faith back to me at that moment.
Side note-Right now, I'm listening to the 90s and Celine Dion's Because You Loved Me is on. Not a coincidence. Now is going to make it even harder to finish this.
My dad and I wrote the obituary, met at the funeral home with my Aunts and Uncles, then I went back home later that night. I wrote my eulogy on behalf of the grand-kids. I knew what they needed from me. They needed my sense of humor.
Before I could give my eulogy, we had to say goodbye before they closed the casket. The engagement ring I had shown Nana, I wanted it to stay with her. So it did, it was on her finger before it was closed. I gave my eulogy. I didn't have an absence seizure during the eulogy or the burial. Before and after that they were still there 100+
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