I believed it all, I loved going to church, and I loved being Catholic. I was a good little Catholic girl. I participated in everything I could and it made me very happy. Praise Jesus!
After Grandpa died, something changed in me. Yes, I was depressed. Very depressed. That turned to anger and I needed a sign. I still believed in God, but my prayers were very different. They became long angry conversations. I just started going through the motions of what I used to do and I wasn't participating in the things I used to love.
The big finale was coming up. Confirmation. After that, I was ready to just silently rebel. I didn't tell Nana, but she could tell I wasn't the way I used to be in church. Nana was a devout Catholic, I couldn't break her heart. So, I kept going to church.
I stopped getting communion. Once it became more difficult for Nana to physically go to church, I went less. The priest would go to Nana's for her communion and she would watch mass on TV. That's when I started going to church only a few times a month. I was hoping to see my crush more than anything
I went to college. I didn't go to church at all. I still considered myself to be Catholic when asked but, I wasn't acting like one by any means. Then I decided I was an Atheist. It just didn't make sense. None of it. Plus, with all the bull shit going on, I kept asking why. Why me? Why this? Why? Why? WHY? I wasn't getting any answers. I was just lost and buried in sadness.
Then, I really started thinking deeper. How did this whole concept even make sense? We just float our way to heaven and we are reunited with family in some fluffy kingdom? It started driving me nuts. So I stopped trying to make sense of everything and went on to believe something more realistic. Like my body just decomposing into the Earth and coming back as a tree.
During a semester, I took a Religious Studies course. It covered the evolution of religions throughout the world. A lot of them made way more sense than what I was raised on. I was really into the thought of reincarnation. I wasn't going to keep changing the name of my religious association. I thought that was stupid.
Eventually, when asked what religion I was part of (which is really nobodies damn business), my answer was Non-Denominational Christian. ND Christian? NDC? There needs to be a shorter term. You have to take a deep breath before saying it and that is just to damn long. My dad was very disappointed. It wasn't like I didn't believe in a higher power anymore, I got back to that place. He should have celebrated!
Alyssa decided in college that she was also Non-Denominational Christian. My dad said, "I'm getting sick of my kids going to college and becoming this Non-Denominational shit!" Then added, "And getting TATTOOS!" Eyes on me. I had already been warned that if another one of his kids got a tattoo he was going to kick my ass. Then I took Alyssa to get hers. HA! Ass not kicked.
Focus! I no longer believed that I had to go to church in order for God to love me. I could believe what I wanted to, where I wanted to. There were so many things in my life that couldn't just be a coincidence anymore. I needed to believe in something to get through everything that had happened and was going to happen. I felt like someone was watching over me. I knew who it was. The next post you'll see who reinforced that in a big way.
DON'T FORGET TO CLICK FOLLOW TO GET UPDATES ON NEW POSTS!
No comments:
Post a Comment